Don't Forget Me If I Die

Amanda Robertson, Adrian Shocks, Jason Beard, Jackie Tuttle, Nathan Rouse...these are all names of childhood acquaintances who died while I was growing up. These are names I've never forgotten, yet it seems the rest of the world has. Granted, the Internet wasn't around at the time when they left this world. Therefore, it makes it difficult to look up these names and find anything on them. Why is it I feel that some type of tribute should be paid towards them? Is it because they were on this earth for such a very short time. I'm sure their parents and other family members remember them. But, it's the fact that the rest of the world is hardly aware of their existence. Yes, life goes on but so should memories!

Amanda Robertson- Born 1978- Died 1982- I was only six years old when she died. I was barely old enough to understand that death could even affect a child. Amanda, or Manda as I remember her, was my first childhood friend. Her mother and my mother were acquainted through the church. She and I would play when our mothers got together. I remember my mom telling me that she was sick, but in my childish mind, I thought it was something that would get better with time. After all, when I was sick, I'd always manage to bounce back! I have pictures of Manda and I playing at my house. She was probably 3 and I would have been 5. She still had her hair back then, but the pictures show the bruises on her skin. She had leukemia. In these pictures, I have the Big Bird mask from my previous year's Halloween costume. And, there's another picture in which I wrapped a blanket around Manda's shoulders and pretended she was a queen. I also remember the times I played at her house in their basement. She had an older brother, David, who played with Lego's, and he had built some pretty incredible things. She also had an older sister, Pam. I remember her showing me this plastic lipstick that I thought was so cool. Flash forward what probably was only a few months. There's Amanda with a bald head. In the picture, we're eating ice cream outside our pastor's house after having finished work on the parade float. I was so young then, but if I had to piece it together, that must have only been a short time before she died. It was the summer of 1982...July to be exact. I honestly don't remember much. I do know that my parents had gone somewhere. Did they leave me with my grandparents? I'm not sure. Mom came home and seemed kind of sad, but I didn't know why. Not long after, perhaps in the Fall, we were over at Manda's house. Things seemed different. I had laid down on their couch and when I woke up I said, "where's Manda?" I remember a strange look on my mom's face and her mom, Cindy, didn't really say anything. I went downstairs to the same basement in which Manda and I use to play. The Lego's were still there, but Manda was there no longer. I can't really remember if her toys were there. I'm sure they were, but Manda wasn't. I was confused! I'm not sure how much later it was, but I remember we were riding in the car with Manda's father, Jim, and passed the cemetery. It was Christmas time and I made the comment that it sure would be nice if they put Christmas lights up so it wasn't so sad. I then remembered that Manda's father was there and got really quiet. Perhaps that was my first realization of the "reality" of death. I'm not sure when my mom told me the details surrounding Manda's death. I do, however, remember her mentioning that she was buried with her pink panther necklace. I think she also must have had her favorite sun bonnet on. As a "barely 6-year-old" child, I had trouble grasping what my mom was saying. What did it mean to be "buried"? I picture this large mound of dirt with Manda laying underneath it. It was scary! It wasn't until a few years later, when I went to a funeral of an older woman with my grandma and grandpa, that I learned what a casket was. I tried to comprehend what it was like for Amanda to lay inside a casket. Death scared me! The first time I saw Amanda's headstone, I felt like I'd missed out on something. Here were these dates: 1978 - 1982...Four short years! Manda would never celebrate her 6th birthday like I had and, since she died in 1982, my birthday was only days after her death. She was forever a four-year-old. I knew she was in Heaven, but I really didn't know what that meant. Why and How could God let children die? And, worse yet, would I die as a child? This was my first realization of death and, ever since, I'd had a fear. Perhaps my fear was not of death for I know where I'll got, but the fear is of dying!


Adrian Shocks- Born 1975 - Died 1988- He went to my school. We were both sixth graders when he died though he was quite a bit older, having just turned 13 not long before he died. He wasn't in my homeroom class, but he stood out on the playground. I'm from a small town in Nebraska, and he was one of the only black kids in our school. I remember him and Robby Shepherd hanging out together. They seemed to be up to no good. I knew Robby from East Ward Elementary. He was one of those yucky boys whom I felt sorry for. What I mean by yucky is--he was a boy and I was young and didn't like boys! One of the only memories I have of Adrian is when we were out on the playground one day. He and Robby were going around and feeling the girls backs to see if they were wearing bras. If I remember correctly, they would say, "North, South, East, West, Equator" and when saying "Equator" they would snap the bra strap. Sigh...how annoying! I think we had a snow day the day that Adrian died. So, needless to say, kids were home and up to no good. From what I heard on the news and read in the paper, Adrian and Robby were playing some game like cops and robbers. They were at Robby's house and had gotten into his dad's guns. Unfortunately, the gun was loaded and it went off, striking and killing Adrian. It was the first death of a kid that I'd heard of since Manda died at age 4 in 1982. He wasn't in my class but the curiosity got to me. When the gazette came out with his picture on the front page, I cut it out and kept it with the rest of my stuff. I heard from others who had gone to the funeral. I had asked if Robby had been there. They said that he was. I don't remember much other than that. Months later, I was in the same classroom in which Adrian had been a part. There was a class picture and Adrian was in it. It's been over 19 years since he died and I've always had some curiosity over his death. I believe he was an only child of a single mother. I have always wondered what his mom did after his death. Did she leave McCook? How has life been for her since he died? What about Robby? I think his family moved to another town eventually, and he went to a different school. Accidents happen and playing with guns most certainly was an accident. What if it hadn't been a snow day? It was years before I was able to located Adrian's burial site. My parents had actually found it for me. I think I've visited it once as the curiosity remains. Again, another child, barely 13 and gone forever.

JasonWayne Beard- Born 1977 - Died 1988-- He was my cousin...an ornery one at that! I remember he and my other cousin, Gary, would pal around together. We all went to the same church when I was younger. Then, my family decided to attend a different church when I was around 9 years old. So, I saw less and less of Jason. His grandma, Lorraine, worked at DeGroff's department store in McCook. Mom would take me to the store for the pretty dresses which I loved. I remember one time when both Gary and Jason were at the store. They were being as ornery as ever. They had one of those sticky octopus things...the kind you get wet and stick on glass. It would then slowly "walk" down the glass. I believe it was Jason who stuck it on the three-way mirror. I laughed like any little kid would do, but I don't think his grandma thought it was funny. The few memories I have of Jason seemed to be surrounded by him getting in trouble an awful lot. His mom, Terry, worked at Mac's Drive-In and we'd see her from time to time. As a kid, I used to think she was kind of mean because she was always getting after Jason. But, I look back now and see that she was just a normal adult with an ornery son. Jason's grandpa, Wayne, died in 1985. This was another funeral I went to with my grandparents. Again, it scared me and made me think of Amanda's death. I wasn't quite 9 years old when he died. I remember watching Gary and Jason and my other cousins at the funeral. I thought how sad it must have been for them to lose their grandpa. I was very thankful that I still had my own grandparents. Even though we didn't go to the same church anymore, I was much closer with Gary than I was with Jason because we attended the same school beginning in 5th grade. He was in my 6th grade homeroom class along with another cousin, Chad. I thought it was kind of cool to have two cousins in the same homeroom though I really didn't know how any of us was related at the time. The summer after sixth grade I was preparing for Junior High and all the fun it had to bring. It was the end of July and I was getting ready to go to band camp in Hays, Kansas. It was the same camp my sister had gone to for years, and I was excited because both she and I would be there at the same time. We were to leave for camp on Sunday, August 1st, and the night before we were over at my grandma and grandpa's house having dinner. Grandma had made my favorite pie, banana cream. We had just started to enjoy dessert when the phone rang. Grandma answered the phone while the rest of us sat around and visited. I could tell by the tone in her voice that something wasn't right. She hung up the phone and proceeded to tell us that there had been a car accident involving Gary and Jason. I really got scared because Gary had been in my class that previous year. She then said that Jason had died. I remember the sick pit I felt in my stomach. I couldn't eat anymore of the banana cream pie. I had visualizations in my head as grandma told us what she learned on the phone. Apparently, it happened out on the highway close to where his grandma lived. Their older cousin was driving and pulled out. I believe they were hit by another vehicle. I think Jason had been ejected from the car and it rolled over him. At the hospital, his mother was screaming. Here I was, ready to leave for band camp, the week before my 12th birthday, and my 11 year old cousin was dead. It was the ornery cousin who'd died. I went about that week and had fun at band camp, but there was a bit of a black cloud over everything. The funeral was to be held the day before my parents came to pick me up. I remember feeling bad because I couldn't go. Mom had told me a bit about the funeral. I guess Gary was able to be there though he'd been badly hurt. I think that he was in a wheelchair at the funeral. Mom said that they dressed Jason in his baseball uniform. Visualizations again flooded my head. For months after that funeral, I had dreams...nightmares to be exact. There is one I specifically remember. I had climbed the diving board at a pool. Behind me stood Jason. I looked down and there was no water in the pool, and I became very scared. I looked back at Jason who was ready to push me in. He said, "you didn't come to my funeral!" That nightmare has never left me! I entered 7th grade that year. Gary was back at school, and he had the scars on his arms and leg. I couldn't talk to him, or maybe I was afraid to talk to him. After all, I had felt such guilt for not going to Jason's funeral. To this day, I wonder had that accident not happened and if Jason lived and came to junior high like the rest of the country school kids what things would have been like. I met Kristy in junior high. She had gone to the same school that Jason had. She used to play with him because his grandma lived right down the hill from her house. There school had a flag pole erected in his memory at his school. And, I remember being at the hospital one day, and there I found a Nintendo that had been donated in his memory. Like Jason, I figure that Nintendo has been buried and forgotten by now. But, I won't and can't forget him. I have a picture of him and Gary. It was taken a few months before his death. It was really only by accident that he and Gary are in the picture. My grandpa had actually taken it of me walking with my dad in the "Just Say No! Parade. In the picture, however, you can see Gary and Jason together. Jason has his ball cap on and is riding his skateboard. I've looked at that picture many times when I think about the accident and the funeral. If I go to the cemetery, I have to go by Jason's tombstone. He's forever an 11-year-old boy...one it seems the world has forgot!

Jackie Tuttle - Born 1975 - Died 1991- She was one of the popular girls. She was a year older than me, and I always thought she was so pretty. I guess you could say that I was a bit jealous. I remember Jackie from band. She played saxophone and was also a drum majorette her freshman year. She dated Bronson and seemed to have it all. I never really knew her other than my observation as a geeky girl a grade younger. It was February of 1991 and I was a Freshman in junior high. I had come home from track practice one cold, windy day in late February. I remember a really weird feeling coming over me. It was a feeling of anxiety. I was 14 years old, yet I asked my mom if she would hold me because something just didn't feel right. Outside, despite the wind, I could hear an ambulance siren in the distance. I've always had an uneasy feeling when I've heard sirens. That day was no different. The next day, I was home sick. I was lying in my bed when my mom came in and said, "Do you remember Jackie Tuttle?" Her question took me by surprise (and, to this day, I shiver when my mom phrases a question like that). Of course I knew who Jackie Tuttle was. She was a sophomore in high school and seemed to have everything going for her. Well, it was then that my mom told me she had committed suicide the day previous. My stomach sank. It was a horrible feeling, and again I remember feeling completely anxious and uneasy. My mind was working overtime. The sirens I'd heard had to be because of that. Throughout the next week, I'd heard several things. Apparently she had been depressed for quite some time and had tried killing herself before. Luckily, her father caught her and had gotten rid of all the guns, however, her brother still had a gun that she managed to find. My mom had told me that some people from our church had to clean up after the death and that it was a horrible site. Apparently, she had stuck the gun in her mouth, and from what I'd heard from others, pretty much blew her lips off. That sounds so harsh to say it that way, but it is what is. I didn't go to her funeral because I didn't know her. There were others who didn't know her, but they seemed entitled to attend. I learned that she lie in a pink coffin. That year was a strange year...1991...there was a song out by Enigma called "Sadness". It had a Gregorian chant type sound. I remember people talking about that song as though that could be part of the reason she killed herself. Another song, which I loved, was played a lot during that time-- "Silent Lucidity" by Queensryche. Everywhere I looked, life had a different meaning, a different feeling too it. It was as though innocence had been lost. Unlike the deaths of Amanda, Adrian and Jason, this death had been by her choice. Because it was suicide, it made me wonder if she were in heaven. Her gravestone is in the shape of a heart and has her picture at the center. She is buried alongside other family members, her grandparents I believe. The picture shows her as a 16-year-old. Gone forever but certainly she can't be forgotten?!

Nathan Rouse- Born 1979? - Died 1991- Nate Rouse was the brother to Nicole who was in my class. He was only a 7th grader the year he died. I was a sophomore in high school. I vaguely remember him from East Ward since he was the little brother to a childhood friend. The day it happened, the weather had been bad. I believe they had let school out early because it was getting quite icy outside. My mom had picked me up. That night, I received a call from my friend Stephanie who asked if I'd heard what happened. Of course, I hadn't. It was a cold November evening and I was just happy to be in our warm home. I was in my bedroom downstairs when I took the phone call. Apparently Nate had accepted a ride home from Kyle (a kid in my class). He was sitting in the back of Kyle's pick-up even though it was really cold. I don't know all the details, but from what I'd heard, Kyle had hit an icy patch which caused the truck to slide. Nate flew out the back and hit a "for sale" sign in some one's yard. I'm not sure if he was pronounced dead at the scene or if he'd been taken to the hospital and was later taken off life support. I believe it was the latter because I'd heard his organs had been donated. Apparently when he hit the sign, it snapped his neck. Though he was three years younger than me, it was another young death that I've never been able to shake the memory of. That night I remember lying in bed being thankful for the safety of my home. Yet, I couldn't shake the feeling that "it can happen to anyone." I was safe yet I didn't feel 100% secure. As a Christian, this probably wasn't the way I should have felt but I did. Another kid... gone!

There are other names, others who have died at young ages, that are forever etched in my mind. They're not forgotten. Their memory does live on no matter how short their life on earth may have been. There may not be any Myspace pages dedicated to them. The discussions may be few and far between about their short young lives, but they were here for a short time. They touched my life in someway and they live on through me. As for myself, I really hope that I'm not forgotten if I die.